Why Do Many Women Neglect Healthy Self-Care?

In today’s fast-paced world, women are busier than ever before. And while we may have “come a long way, baby” in many respects, one could argue that our roles are tougher now than in past eras due to increased societal expectations combined with the persistence of gender inequalities.

We as women may also feel more pressure to manage a home, marriage, and family, in addition to a full time job or career. In fact, a significant percentage of women now work two demanding jobs, one outside the home, and one inside. Consider that:

• There are 74.6 million women in the civilian labor force.
• Almost 47 percent of U.S. workers are women.
• More than 39 percent of women work in occupations where women make up at least three-quarters of the workforce.
• Women own close to 10 million businesses, accounting for $1.4 trillion in receipts.
• Female veterans tend to continue their service in the labor force: About 3 out of 10 serve their country as government workers.

So yes, we can ‘have it all’ but at what price? The stressors many women face these days from multiple fronts can be extreme. And then, when we inevitably reach the point at which something has to give, it is usually us. That’s because we as women are traditionally wired and culturally groomed to take the fall, placing the needs of others before our own.

Cultural grooming

An objective glance at human history reveals a clear pattern in which women’s needs and voices have been deliberately silenced and denied by sexism and patriarchy. In many ways, we have been culturally groomed to accept these demonstrably false ideas, which may one reason that the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA)−a monumental amendment to the U.S. Constitution designed to achieve “equality of rights under the law” for people of all sexes−has not been passed into law, more than a century past its introduction.

Despite the blocking of this important legislation thus far, conditions for many U.S. women have measurably improved in recent decades, largely due to the various waves of the courageous feminist movement. But we are still a long way from actualizing social and financial gender inequality, which is reflected in attitudes about women and self-care.

Nature vs. nurture

Women’s tendency to put the needs of others ahead of their own goes deeper than societal expectations about gender roles. There is research to suggest that sex differences in empathy have evolutionary and biological roots, and are not merely cultural byproducts driven by socialization. The fact that women often feel responsible for the wellbeing of others derives from both nature and nurture, helping to explain how deeply ingrained the caregiving tendency can be−even to the exclusion of our own needs.

How does this cycle impact women’s health and well-being? It could be argued that when we habitually neglect ourselves in the service of others, we compromise our own health−physically, mentally, and emotionally. This may help to explain why 1 in 5 women in the U. S. experienced a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety, within the past year, due in part due to caregiver’s stress, a term referring to stress associated with the emotional and physical strain of caregiving. Women especially are at risk for the harmful health effects of caregiver stress, which may lead to depression or anxiety issues.

Studies consistently report that a substantial portion of women caregivers experience depressive symptoms, with some estimates suggesting that up to 70% of caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression, with women being more likely than men to suffer from associated anxiety and depression.

The role of self-esteem

There is another factor in the notorious lack of self-care for many women, which is how they perceive themselves in a society where women are often marginalized due to phony, outdated but culturally persistent notions of male superiority. Despite being patently absurd, these fictional ideas continue to impact the way many girls and young women are socialized, which in turn can impair the development of healthy self-esteem along the way.

When women actively nurture their feelings of self-worth, on the other hand, it helps to reverse the toxic pattern of falling on our swords to put the needs of others above our own. Strong self-esteem, which promotes feelings of self-love, self-empathy, and self-compassion, logically leads to nurturing self-treatment. This positive feedback loop is foundational to healthy self-care.

In one of the great classics on the subject−Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem−author Gloria Steinem sets out to restore the self-authority that may have been undermined by gender inequality across boundaries of race, class, age, sexuality, and ability. Through real life stories, Steinem illustrates the many connections between the personal and the political, supporting readers in challending all barriers to equality−both external and internal. As she writes: “There is always one inner voice. Trust it.”

How to shift to better self-care

Now that we have a better understanding of why women may be deficient in self-care, we can look at solutions. This starts by challenging the often subconsciously held idea that the needs of others take precedence over our own, replacing those old mental tapes for healthier and more accurate messages.

We must continually−and consciously−reaffirm the indisputable fact that when we neglect our physical, mental, and emotional needs, we hinder our ability to support those we care about. Remember, there is a reason you are asked to use your oxygen mask on an airplane first before helping others. Any good we can do in the world starts with doing right by ourselves.

Change your mindset, change your outcome

As we have seen, the fact that so many women struggle with self-care is often rooted in old, often unconscious beliefs. Therefore, to actualize behavior change, those foundational assumptions must be addressed. In other words, you can improve daily self-care with immediate actions, but for changes to be sustainable, it is crucial to positively modify your mindset first. Here are some ways to accomplish that:

Cultivate the art of saying no

In American culture, women are typically socialized to be people pleasers. Despite good intentions, this tendency is problematic if we continue acquiescing to others when saying no would be best for us. For healthy self-care, start to practice speaking out when you need to put the brakes on. Learning how to respectfully decline invitations, requests, favors, and other perceived obligations you would rather avoid is a fundamental element of healthy self-care.

Defy guilt and shame tactics

Guilt and shame are artificial social constructs that are often employed to manipulate others emotionally. They are merely ideas, not facts. If you ever feel anyone is trying to guilt or shame you regarding any of your choices, take a breath rather than taking the bait. Once you learn to recognize these tactics for what they are, you can refuse to participate, making yourself impervious to these common forms of emotional manipulation.

The bottom line is that no one can make you feel guilty or ashamed without your consent, which means the power is within your grasp. Learning to advocate for your own best interests, especially in the face of emotional manipulation, is a crucial skill that strengthens with practice, and it is fundamental to healthy self-care.

Know thyself

Many women feel overwhelmed by daily obligations to their families, their homes, professional work and/or school, taking responsibility for ailing parents or spouses, and more. Given all this, it can be easy to lose sense of one’s center at times. In other words, when the pressure is on, we may stop proactively consulting with ourselves and instead simply react to what other people need.

To avoid the tendency to override your own warning signal when your energies are dwindling, you can stay connected to your own well-being through mindfulness practice. These involve nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment, which can help you tune into how you feel and why.

This introspection better allows you to determine any changes you need to make to care for yourself holistically−from a mind-body-spirit perspective. For example, yoga, tai chi, qigong, and meditation are mindfulness-based practices that have been shown to improve physical and mental health outcomes. And yet, as important as they are, these invaluable practices are notoriously underused by those who need them most. In the U.S., a mere 10% of women practice mindfulness or meditation.

Again, you can explore specific acts of self-care moving forward, but for sustainable change in this area, you must first examine what lies beneath. As with building a new home, a sound foundation is crucial. Similarly, examining your underlying beliefs and attitudes about self-care is prerequisite to establishing a solid basis to support your self-care behaviors moving forward. Not only will this work benefit you tremendously, it is also an outstanding example to set for girls and young women too!